Written by a woman aimed at women to help them achieve. The author’s credibility comes from her background as a parent, her father dying and she had alcohol problems that she overcame. The heart of self-compassion is found in talking to yourself as you would to someone you love.
Triggers can run deep, and they are part of human nature. The key is to know when you’re being triggered, so you can see it and speak kindly to yourself.
Be self-compasionnate by knowing your triggers. Be aware of the specific fears you have about being seen a certain way. Get clear on them. Then you will train your brain to notice when you’re being unkind to yourself. Realize when you’ve been triggered. When you’re vulnerable—you’ve made a mistake, you have an argument with someone, you’re trying something new—you’re likely to react. If you can identify your own reactions, you should quickly be able to stop the negative cycle.
Start speaking to yourself with kindness and cut yourself some slack.
A compassionate witness is someone who can respond to your stories of struggle with empathy. Most of our loneliness isn’t from not knowing enough people, but from not feeling close enough to a few.
Different reactions from others that aren’t helpful. Let’s say you just told your friend that your marriage is in trouble. Have you heard any of the following?
The One-Upper: “OMG, that’s nothing! I’m almost positive my husband is cheating on me with his office manager.”
The Pooh-pooh-er: “It’s probably not that bad. I just saw you two last week, and you seemed fine.”
The At Least-er: “Well, at least you’re married. I’ve been single for ten years!”
The Fixer: “Have you gone to counselling? Or read that book on relationships? What about date nights?”
The Gasper: “WHAT!?! I thought your marriage was perfect! You HAVE to make this work!” (bursts into tears)
And finally, I’m gonna make this about me: blah blah
Instead have a compassionate friend who can support. Realise not all friendships go according to any plan and that trust is built slowly over time and cannot be forced, or sped up.
All the “harder” things we push down and run away from are actually the key to healing and joy.
To put it plainly, we numb ourselves because we don’t want to feel. When it comes to emotional pain, rare is the person who walks in ready to take it all in.
Realize that numbing is happening. Many of the things we tend to use as numbing mechanisms are the same things we use to comfort ourselves, but when we chuck self-control out the window, we move into disassociating territory. Been on Facebook for longer than actually speaking to people? That is likely numbing. Remember on social media most of the time you are comparing your everyday life to the very few moments that people on social media choose to show the world.
What comparisons do is convince us that because a person has something different than we have, something that we want, we can’t have it too. Rather than comparing yourself to others you can both win.
If some people trigger you and make you feel inadequate around them, then simply give yourself permission not to talk to that person in future. Clearly, we can’t unfollow all triggers, but really think about the things that provoke your comparisons that you can control. Social media is a huge one that you may want to reduce.
If you are making unhelpful comparisons do not just try to turn your thoughts around to tell yourself how awesome you are. Instead catching yourself in the moment, realizing what was happening, and then deliberately change thought direction.
People pleasers and approval seekers tend to not set boundaries for many reasons, including not wanting to seem “bitchy” or “walled off.” What you want and need in your life is just as important as what the next person wants. You are important. Setting boundaries underscores that. And boundaries are not just important but necessary. Necessary to build healthy relationships, to support your own self-confidence, to honour who you are, and to secure your happiness.
You might be afraid of the following:
•People thinking you’re stupid, not smart enough, not qualified
•People judging your body
•Your partner leaving you because you aren’t super-awesome at everything and have “issues”
•People judging your parenting
•Failing at life
Ask yourself the hard questions:
•Can you pinpoint where your perfectionism came from? Perhaps re-examine the origins of these stories and challenge any of the beliefs that were created there?
•How can you deal with criticism in a more intentional way? What stories do you make up in your head about yourself when you receive criticism or even feedback?
•What do you need to give yourself permission for that will help you not set overly high expectations?
•What is your perfectionism costing you?
Catastrophizers rehearse tragedy and feel so uncomfortable when things go their way that they don’t know how to chill out, relax, and just be with all the awesome stuff that’s happening. Imposter syndrome in which you feel like a fraud is mentioned, these thoughts can be normal.
It is important to practice joy and gratitude. For instance, when you get to work and feel that you don’t have enough time to do your projects, instead of thinking “I don’t have enough time / this sucks” mentality, try to think what you can control. If there is nothing you can do about your time or workload rather than complaining about it notice how much you live in scarcity; then focus on how awesome life is.
Overachieving is much like perfectionism, but is its own specific and devious monster. Overachievers believe these things: I am my achievements. If I can do more, reach all the goals, be as productive as humanly possible, and make sure everyone knows about it, I can avoid criticism, judgment, and rejection. Overachievers have a one-track mind: achievement = safety and love. When you’re overachieving, you’re avoiding looking at the negative things going on in your life that you need to look at. If you race through life there is no prize. You are not a “Human Doing,” you are a human being.
Slow down and focus on what matters most your well-being, connect with people you care about the most. This can make you happier and more fulfilled. Knowing what’s important to you and why, as well as what it means to take action on your values. This will help you feel good about who you are and proud of how you’re behaving. Remember: You’re awesome. You’re awesome with or without your achievements. You, just you, without all your triumphs, are still magnificent.